Jeff Teh Killer
AUTHORS NOWT: DIS AR TEH TOTALLY REAL STORY, IF U HATE DIS CITIZENS KANE OV CREEPYPASTA, DOAN READ IT K THX Excerpt from a local Newspaper: OMINOUS UNKNOWN KITTEN IS STILL AT LARGE. After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown kitten is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young doggo states that he survived one of the kitten's attacks and bravely tells his story. "I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember my owner closing it before I went to bed. I woofed and got my owner up to shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. Two long, predatory teeth that put my canines to shame. The figure was on fours, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad kitten could speak. "He said, 'Go To Kip.' I let out a woof, that's what sent him at me. He took out his claws; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when my owner busted in. The man declawed himself and threw a piece of the claw, it went into my owner's shoulder. The kitten probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the police. "They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The kitten turned and walljumped down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that predatory canine. They will never leave my head." Police are still on the look for this kitten. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department. Jeff and his family had just moved into a new household. His dad had been taken in by a new owner, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" households. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. A new, better house better yet, a mansion? What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their fellow kittens came by. "Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the living room from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran back to play with the scratching post. "Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom. "Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid." "Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to the hallway upstairs and plopped down on the floor. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random feeling. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it. The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for cat school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the kitteh stop. They sat there waiting for the kitteh mobile, and then, all of a sudden, some kitten on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the heck?" The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about sixty-four; four years younger than Jeff. He is a Korat breed. "Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other kittens appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of butter. This kid looked like he hadn't hunted birds since he was crawling. "And I," said the first kitten, "am Randy. Now, for all the kittens in this household there is a small price for the kitteh mobile, if you catch my drift." Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes when one of his friends pulled a claw on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the doggo way." The kid walked up to Liu and took his kibble out of his fur. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid. "Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own claw. "Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Randy was sending his claw for his face, Jeff bit the kittens tail and broke it. Randy screamed and Jeff declawed Randy from one of his paws. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and bit him in the paw. Keith retracted his claw and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He just punched Troy straight in the nose and Troy went down. As he fell, he sneezed all over. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff. "Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. They saw the kitteh mobile coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing. So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the driver rushing over to Randy and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the kitteh stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the kitteh mobile anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day." Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two of the owners neighbours at the door, his owner looking back at him with an angry look. "Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!" Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true. "Owner, they were the ones who pulled the claws on me and Liu." "Son," said one of the neighbours," We found three kids, two bitten, one having a bruise on his nose, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu. "Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids. "Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kittens. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop looked at his partner and they both nod. "Well kid, looks like a decade and a half in timeout..." "Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him with his claws out, mouth open, with teeth visible. The neighbours pulled out the catnip and locked them on Liu. "It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the claw marks to prove it." He lifted up his fur to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle. "Son, just put the claw down," said the officer. Liu held up the claw and retracted it back into his paw. He put his paws up and walked over to the neighbours. "No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running down his face. "Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The neighbours led Liu out to the patrol car. "Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mother put her paws on his shoulders. "Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can stop." Jeff watched helplessly as the neighbours car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff's dad ran into the house, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong. "Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face. "Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room. "What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake. "Why, it's Billy's party." He was now fully awake. "Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kitten's party after..." There was a long pause. "Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get brushed." Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up on his fours. He licked himself for a couple of minutes and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in her Persian fur and his father in his Siberian fur. He thought, why they would ever wear groom themselves so much for a kid's party? "Son, is that all your going to groom?" said Jeff's mom. "Better than grooming too much." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile. "Now Jeff, we may be over-groomed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room. "I don't have any grooming skills!" he yelled down stairs. "Just groom some more the best you can!" called his mother. He looked around at his fur for what spots he should groom He then groomed himself for 5 minutes and went back downstairs. "Your fur looks like that?" they both said. His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to groom. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the room over to the kitchen. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-groomed. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were cats, no kittens. "The kittens are out in the owners bedroom. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara. Jeff walked outside to a room full of kittens. They were running around and play fighting each other. He might as well be standing in a playground. Suddenly, a kid came up to him. "Hey. Wanna play?" he said. "Ah, no kitten. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kitten looked at him with that weird puppydog face. "Please?" said the kitten. "Fine," said Jeff. He 'fought' with the kitten and started to pretend claw at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred. "Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to timeout." Randy got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our superfluous behinds that one day, but not today." As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled catnip out of their pockets. "No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. Randy pulled his one usable claw on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder. Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his paw and twists it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and ran towards the kitchen. Troy then grabbed him. "Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio door with the force. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up kitty juice. "Come on Jeff, fight me!" He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of lemonade on the counter and smashes the plastic bottle over Jeff's head. "Fight!" He flings Jeff into the living room. "Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with lemonade. "I was the one who got your brother sent to timeout! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him play in there with the baby kittens for a decade and a half! You should be ashamed!" Jeff starts to get up. "Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Jeff is now to his feet, lemonade and kitty juice on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His innocence is destroyed, all cuteness is gone, all he can do, is be a predator. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy's heart to stop. As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one final breath, and dies. Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the owner, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their catnip at Jeff. Jeff see's the catnip trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of pew pews Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready. Troy swings his claw at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy's face. Troy goes down hard and now all that's left is Keith. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack. He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A thing of spaghetti fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It confused both of them and they both started to meow in terror. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, gushing out kitty juice, he let out an ominous smile. "What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a rug from nowhere. "What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in sugary lemonade." Jeff's eyes widened as Keith threw the rug at him. As soon as the rug made contact with him, the rug stuck to his skin. While the stuck to him, he tried to get it off, tearing off his fur permanently. Jeff let out a terrible roar as his fur was being torn from his skin. He tried to claw out the rug but it was no use, the lemonade had made him a walking gluestick. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a kitten with a rug on him, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to take off the rug. That's when he passed out. When Jeff woke he had a large collar on his head. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a band-aid on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to get on his fours, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a vet rushed in. "I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his owner. "Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the neighbours that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go." This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again." Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his large collar and band-aid were to be removed. His family and owner were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the vets removed the cone from Jeff's head everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed. "Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the band-aid; letting the rest fall from Jeff's shoulder. Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his fur. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his fur. "What? What happened to my fur?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His fur. It... it's horrible. It was ripped in random spots. His body turned into a mix of fur and pink, fleshy skin, and his mane singed from brown to black. He slowly put his paw to his fur. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror. "Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..." "Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started roaring uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching. "Uh... Jeff, are you okay?" "Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This fur goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy predatory kitten. "Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... a kitten, you know. In the head?" "Oh yes, this lion behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of *Mind Drugs*. If his behavior doesn't change in a few centuries, bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test." "Oh thank you vet." Jeff's owner went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go." Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes. "This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life. Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was roaring. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks. "Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother. Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep warm mommy. It was cold after awhile. Now, I can be hot forever. Jeff's mother noticed his fur, ringed in silver. "Jeff, your fur!" His fur were seemingly never cold. "I couldn't use my fur. I got cold and my body started to shiver. I took some fur from one of the other kittens so I could forever be warm; my new fur." Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful? "Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the living room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the owner we..." She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, claws out. "Mommy, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the claw, gutting both of them. His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the claw ready to slash it at Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip. "Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to Kip." Category:Satire Category:Well, that was pointless. Category:Jeff the Killer Category:Delusional retard that should be in an asylum